Day 16 of 28

im sorry that i havent been posting lately.  truth is that i have been really busy trying to contain my life right now.  so much is happening and i will try to make some sense of it for you in this post.

first of all, the cleanse is still going strong.  i have lost 20 pounds to day.  i started off at 196 and i am now 176.  i feel more energized and capable than ever before.  i am starting to look at myself and not feel like a huge blob.  and i have more self confidence than ive had in a long time, but its not only because of this cleanse.  its because i have been doing a lot of mental cleansing as well.

the past three years have been really tough on me.  i had a really rough break up and in trying to recover from it i pushed away almost everyone in my life, thinking that i could make myself happy and that if i did that i would feel better about myself and about my life.  i slowly lost the ability to communicate with other people and to connect with them like i used to.  i lost friendships and refused to create new ones... relying on my job and school to take up all my time and energy.

in high school i had a group of friends called the "cookson clan" which was always evolving... growing in number and changing with the years... but there was always a group of kids at my house hanging out and enjoying each other.  without fail my parents would welcome into our home anyone that wanted to join in the fun.  there were days when the boys would show up just to play video games with my dad.  sometimes i would come home and there would already be a small group with a 20-piece kfc chicken bowl and a huge jug of orange drink.  or we'd go over to someones hot tub.  or just sit around watching movies.  i realized this week that i miss that.  i miss having friends to just go out with and see every day.  i miss just being with people.

so this week i made a point to go out and be social.  last night was joe's birthday, so a whole bunch of us got together and john and brian's to play settlers of catan.  i hadnt seen some of these people since high school, but the reunion and their acceptance of me was so overwhelmingly emotional for me.  john gave me a super-long hug, one for the record books (i used to be a hug-whore in high school... but i DO give really good hugs), and it reminded me what its like to have people that care about you and want to be around you.  and i like that feeling.  i like going out with these boys and being funny with them and watching them be boys.  and i want to do more of it.

i also have been trying my hand at recovering the still-damaged part of my heart.  its hard trying to find just the right amount of emotional attachment to people to be able to really heal up the rest of myself, but i am trying.  its been a really emotional roller-coaster for me this week.  sometimes i just want to throw myself into someone totally, and at other times i just want to close right back up and do what i have been doing for years.  but i know my limits.  and i know that anything that i do start right now is just light, and flexible, and temporary.  i cant handle anything more than that.  im moving to seattle by the end of the year... so that leaves me just a short amount of time to get myself back into the swing of things.  i cant handle anything serious at this point.  but i DO want to have some fun.  and i DO want to be able to let loose a little... and at some point be ready to get into a serious relationship with someone.  till then, im just going to kick back, and have a little fun.  i know it will do me some good.

last thing for tonight:
wool socks.
i love them because they keep my feet warm (thanks aaron for the suggestion).  but i hate that they do not grip carpet.  while walking down the stairs to take a nap i ended up slipping and falling down six or seven of them.  i instantly bruised my arm and ive had a tingling and burning sensation in the place i fell on my back (which was mostly my right lower ribcage).  it hurts to laugh... and to lay on my back... and to move certain ways...  BUT i dont have insurance so even if i did something mildly serious to them there is no way i can go in to have them checked out.  i just hope that i feel a bit better tomorrow.

cheers!