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i will continue to use this blog as my regular blog, but i will post links to my tumblr account when i update with my fitness logs and inspirations.  feel free to add me, to follow me, to come up with your own tumblr.  earn your own stripes! 



The Journey

For years I have been on a journey to get my body back into shape.  I used to play sports growing up and loved being active, but I have let my body go as I concentrated on work and school for the past six years.  Now that school is over and I am not overworking myself I finally have the time to focus solely on my body and getting back to a healthy place.  I have fitness goals and the drive to finally achieve them.  Next summer I want to walk out onto the beach feeling confident and happy and absolutely stunning.  So come with me on this journey and help support me as I transform not only my body, but my mind and spirit as well.  This journey is one that is imperative to saving my life.

Battling obesity and coming out on top will be my greatest achievement.  As I post inspirations and track my daily workouts and food logs, feel free to comment, give support, or give advice... I welcome it all!  Love you all, peace and blessings.

My inspiration: beach body, and the fitness levels needed to surf my heart out.


Im still alive. Even if just barely.

and now im in idaho for a few months, trying to get my life straightened out.  a lot has happened in the past few months, and i am certainly not in the best place mentally, emotionally, or spiritually... but i am on the long journey back to stability. 

because of everything that ive gone through the past couple months i have changed my frame of mind and my plans for the next few years.  i want to travel and to have fun and to not care about my future for once.  ive been so stuck on my five year and ten year plans that i forgot to just have fun and to experience life.  so even though im doing it a little backwards... i want to go live a little before i settle down.  i dont really have any plans, i dont really have any goals (other than to get my student loans paid off asap), and i dont want to be tied down anywhere.  i want to go wherever the wind takes me, and enjoy the ride.

i do, however, have a few things that i want to do and a few places that i want to visit on this journey.  i want to surf, snowboard, play guitar, see africa, europe, and the south pacific.  i want to live in another country for a at least six months.  and i want to be in the best shape of my life.  and ill document it all with the film camera i will get myself for my birthday.  the next five years is going to be all about me.  and im excited about that.

here's to new beginnings.  to finding yourself.  and to losing yourself in the journey.


"Life goes on, man" - The Big Lebowski

Ahhh!  What an amazing movie.  I have always loved Jeff Bridges, but the fact that he pretty much has the personality of THE DUDE in real life, makes him that much more amazing.  This quote is actually really summing up my view of life at the moment.  Ive had so much going on over the past few months, that trying to get a hold on it or myself was next to impossible.  BUT!  Life goes on and I am suddenly faced with a wide expanse of possibility.  School is over (well, almost... I still have one class... easy peeeeasey) and though work is starting to pick up, I am not overwhelmed by 80-120 hour weeks like I have been the past two summers.  Soooo.....

What to do with all this spare time?

Well, do what I want to do, FOR ONCE.
Be the person that I want to be, FOR ONCE.

its finally here.  i can touch it.  i can taste it.  i can smell it.  its here.  its here.

my life is here. 

But now that I am able to do the things that I want to do, I've had to stop and think about why I haven't felt like I was able to do it before now.  Why haven't I been living my life the way that I wanted to?  What has been holding me back, and what, if any, are my barriers still?  Its been a struggle trying to come to terms with the way that I have chosen to live my life over the past few years, but I feel like every choice that I have made has positioned me for this moment, and has set me in a place where I can achieve all that I want to.  I have come up with a few things that really define not only the way that I have lived my life over the past few years, but how I think and who I am and who I am deciding that I want to be.  

I have two major influences from the past three or four years that have dictated my social skills and abilities.  The first is my work.  For the past two summers I worked with an individual who was incredibly challenging both mentally and emotionally.  I left my three or four day shifts feeling weak, and overwhelmed, and stressed, and hurt, and socially unable to communicate to people.  My life was my work, and it was affecting my health.  I had NO social life.  NONE.  NOTHING.  This made it hard for me to transition back to a normal social life this past fall, when I stopped working with said individual.  I felt like I didn't know what to say anymore to people, or how to act normally.  My usual extroverted self was hiding in a corner.  This new introverted creature is strange.  I hate it.  I hate not feeling comfortable in a social setting.  I hate feeling vulnerable.  I struggle with it every day.  BUT!  Every day I find myself getting more and more comfortable being around people, and starting conversations, and relating to experiences.  And it is ENCOURAGING when my friends understand and help me through it.  
The second major influence over my social skills has been this never-ending struggle with the emotional and mental scars of my relationship with Ben.  I can't tell you how many times I have wanted to just scream and yell and rage because I am so frustrated with myself and the things that I struggle in overcoming because of that relationship.  I cant stand the way that I react to things, or the paranoia, or the jealousy, or any of the other blatantly stupid things I do in my head.  Bottom line is this:  He hurt me.  More than anyone or anything has ever hurt me in my life.   Ask my family how hard it was for me.  Go ahead.  All that they probably remember is an incredibly broken person, in an insanely scary place mentally and emotionally.  

I am strong though.  It took me two years to get back on my feet, but I did it.  I was so scared to let anyone in again.  I planned on a life by myself.  I literally sat there and planned out my life for the next twenty years.  A life alone.  How sad.  How pathetically sad.  I talked with Meag a lot about my struggles over the past couple years and about how hard it is for me to actually trust people and how hard it is for me to see myself with someone for the rest of my life.  Believe me, I want to get married some day and have kids and a house and the whole nine yards... but wanting it and letting it happen are two different things.  I have shunned all the guys who came knocking.  I told myself that none of them were good enough for me.  That I needed someone who could actually equal me (I am a closeted narcissist, afterall).  Honestly, I still struggle with this.  But even moreso now because I see all my flaws and I see myself without those flaws and KNOW that it will take someone special to really compliment and challenge me.  I know that I still have to work out the shit in my head from this relationship with Ben, but I tell you... there is NOTHING in this world that makes me feel happier than knowing that I love myself and that I make myself happy.  I guess that I just need to remember that more often and stop worrying about what other people think.  Easier said than done, but if I can remember to just let go and be myself then all the stuff that I struggle with in relationships will disappear.  

Two more things things that I continue to struggle with, but that I am starting to get a handle of: my desire to please everyone around me, and the weight that I have put on through the years.  
I have always been a people pleaser.  I want to make people happy, because making others happy makes me happy.  Serving others gets me out of the "me me me" mind frame that I fall into.  But in trying to always please others I have forgotten about my desires and my wants and my needs.  I catch myself in the act somtimes... always letting people use me for rides (they assume that I will drive instead of them driving, or that I have an endless supply of gas hooked to my car), or spending obscene amounts of money on food so I can share with whoever is around me at that point.  In being such a giving person my bank account takes a huge hit.  And I can't afford to be that giver anymore.   I need to reel in all those things and put limits on how giving I can be without asking for help in return.
My struggle with my weight is confusing.  Most days I look at myself and see what others don't: the skinny me at the center of all this extra baggage.  This is part of the reason why I love myself so much.  I KNOW that I am absolutely stunning.  My eyes are incredibly mesmerizing, even for myself.  I love my nose, and my hair, and my jaw line, and my hands (that while very much like my father's in looks, have all the grace and femininity of my mothers).  I love that when I look in the mirror I am happy with the structure of my face and my frame (am I too shallow?).  What I don't love is how I feel when I start to let my worries about what OTHER people think of my body get to me.  
My boyfriend really challenged me a few weeks ago.  I was telling him about how I would like to get braces one day to fix my teeth, when he got upset with me for even thinking that way.  He asked me "what is wrong with your smile?  I love your smile"  (Back in high school he did a similar thing, where he took my face in his hands and forced me to accept a compliment he had given me).  I don't think he knows exactly how much of an impact that had on me.  He knows that I struggle with how I look, but he doesn't want me to.  And why should I worry about those things to begin with?  I thought about what he said for days, and now I try my hardest every day to wake up and remember that I am so beautiful, and that I don't need to worry about my flaws because EVERYONE has flaws.  I am trying to accept that there are going to be things about my body that I cant change and that I shouldn't change.  Loving myself is easy to do most of the time, but when I struggle with it, I REALLY struggle.  I am not letting that happen anymore.  I need to come out of the closet and just embrace the narcissism within!
With that said, there are things that I can do to help me with the way that I see myself.  One of those things is to lose the weight that I am so desperate to lose.  BUT.  I am not going to look at it as losing weight anymore.  I am going to look at it as living the life that I have wanted to: an active lifestyle, with activity goals, and healthy eating habits.  I will also be losing my glasses shortly.  I can't and shouldn't hide behind those anymore.

So while I've been envisioning this life that I really wanted to have I never really started grabbing for it until now.  I've been held back by different situations and by myself.  But I think that it was really a time of preparation for me.  I know that I will struggle from time to time with my relationships, but that it takes time and practice to master yourself and your actions.  I know that my own views of myself can be debilitating, but that in cultivating a deep self-love that I can overcome the insecurities that I have.  I am ending a journey and starting a new one.  It is a transition time for me, but I know that that transition is almost done and that this new journey is going to be the best one Ive ever taken.

To end this post I want to share with you all the person that I see myself becoming and BEING.  I think that the choices that we make in life will move us forward, keep us stagnant, or destroy the progress we've made.  I also think that who we are is always evolving, and that as long as we continue to actively pursue the life that we want to have that we will always evolve to reach that goal.  So the choices that I have been consciously making over the past six months to a year have been starting me on the right foot to get to where I want to be, to WHO I want to be.  And this is the life that I want and the person that I want to be:

A beautiful, strong, funny, active woman.  I want to run races, and work towards running a barefoot marathon.  I want to connect with nature as much as possible.  I want to continue to learn and grow in knowledge of the world around me.  I want to be financially savvy.  I want to be able to pick up and leave and go somewhere that Ive never been and experience things that I have never experienced.  I want to be a traveler, and a wanderer (not all who wander are lost - tolkien).  I want to experience love as fully as any mortal being can.  I want to find a place to settle down.  I want to build my own house in the woods with as much self-sufficiency as I can afford.  I want to have kids.  I want to be a best friend, and a mother, and a companion.  I want to look back on my life before that time and know that I lived it to its fullest, and that I am fully satisfied with what I have accomplished.  I want to be healthy -  physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I want to look at myself in the mirror and appreciate each laugh line that appears.  I want to see my hands and know that they have worked hard.  I want to wear my hair long, and be proud of my femininity.  I want to get a motorcycle to celebrate my freedom in life.  I want to break a bone to remind myself of my mortality.  I want to see breathtaking beauty.  I want to be near the mountains, near the ocean, near the sky.  I want to experience life.  

And I will.  I will.



late night reflections

sometimes i get really insecure for a few days.  mostly because i am feeling inadequate about something.  which is what has been going on with me lately.  but i realized today after talking with theresa and frank and meag that that is just being crazy.  and i dont need to let myself get that way.  so i made a decision to just let myself be okay, no matter what happens to me.  after that i felt like a weight was lifted.  i didnt have this pressure to impress people anymore... or this desire to be someone that i am not.  i am a beautiful, gifted, loving woman who has so many things going for her that i dont need to let others tear me down.  and im not going to let what others think of me affect how i view myself.  and im going to stop being crazy insecure.  it drives me and other people nuts.

what i need right now is a day on the beach in the sun with nothing to do and nowhere to be.  the sea calms me more than anything else does.  who knows...its four in the morning already... maybe ill go watch the sunrise.



so ive been really sick lately.  which makes life really hard.  today i feel a bit better, but its been a struggle. 

i am struggling.
with a lot of things.

my biggest problem right now though, is battling the urge to just break down and give up on everything.  on every aspect of my life.  on my job, on my school, on my social life, on church, on my dreams, on my hopes, on my fears... and just sit here.  ive been realizing lately that i am not a strong person.  at least, not as strong as i thought i was.  i would venture to say that i am pretty darn fragile.  and im too scared of rejection to stand up for myself against anything or anyone.  two things come to mind as i am writing this:

my favorite movie: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.  i love clementine... she is very open with Joel about everything... but so vulnerable still.  she comes off as this strong woman, but shes really just as effed up as anyone.  i just love that entire film.  i relate to it often.

the second thing that i am thinking of is a song by sara bareilles, called gravity.  its a beautiful ballad that i usually put into my "breakup with ben songs" category... but today a few lines of it fit perfectly into how ive been feeling about myself lately:

you loved me cause im fragile
when i thought that i was strong
but you touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone

its hard because i have been feeling so strong for so long.  but ive been alone for a long time, focusing on work and on school and nothing else.  once i get out there and make friends and try to be among the living i find that i am incredibly weak.  that i dont know how to find my strength.  that i dont know how to be with people.  and its hard.  its incredibly hard. 

and im realizing that i have so much of myself to work on.  i know who i want to be... i just have to start living that person.  so today i want to make a hard list of the person that i envision myself to be.  i want to refer to it often.  and i want others to be able to help push me along that path when i need it. 

the person i want to be:
*exceptionally nice and giving
*outgoing in all circumstances

what i envision myself doing:
*having my own health coaching business within the next year
*being physically active every day (mostly running and kayaking, once i get my kayak)
*getting back into a vegetarian (mostly) diet.  (i like to allow myself poultry every now and again)
*every summer i want to do some sort of service... whether it be traveling to a disaster site or making some hats for the local cancer kids.
*i want to be artsy again... singing, dancing, theatre, drawing, painting, sculpting.  all these things bring me joy.
*i want to travel.  everywhere and anywhere.  especially over in asia. 
*becoming a yoga instructor at some point
*be financially savvy again

looking at this i think my dad would call me a hippie... or a granola.  i guess that is who i am.  or at least... who i want to be.  i'm partially there.  i've been working on this list for a while... but i want to complete it in the next couple years.  i want to be there.  i want to know who i am, and that i am comfortable with who i am and the choices that i have made in my life.  i have some rebel qualities... i want a motorcycle... i want to be free from ties... i want to be irresponsible from time to time... but for the most part i like the person that i am, and i am excited to start working on the rest of who i want to become.  i haven't been able to because of school, but that is almost out of the way... and then its ME time.


Sometimes you run over things. sometimes its a squirrel, other times your boyfriend.

so ive had an interesting week.  the other night i came down to aaron's to play games and hang out after work and ended up being the butt of every joke that night for a few reasons:

number one: i crashed ben's mo ped.  now, the boys have done this a few times... but they were drunk.  i, however, was not.  which makes it that much worse.  clutz moment number one.

number two: i i tried to learn how to skateboard.  in pajama pants and aaron's sneakers.  lets just say that my uncoordination does not help me to succeed in certain areas of life.  and hitting the pavement multiple times leaves its mark not only on your body, but your ego.

number three: i ran over my boyfriend.  with my car.  granted, that wasnt entirely my fault as we had both made the stupid decision to do what we were doing at the time, but still... i was pretty mortified when aaron got up and his arms were bleeding profusely.  he has tread marks on his arm from my tire.  im pretty much the worst girlfriend that ever was because of this.  i now owe him fifty gajillion brownie points. 

so as you can see, my pride was pretty much ripped to shreds in a matter of hours.  im slowly gaining it back, but i will tell you that i wont be getting on a mo ped or a skateboard anytime soon.  nor will i let aaron near a moving vehicle without obscene amounts of bubble wrap tied around him for protection. 


in other news... it is spring vacation!  which means that i will be spending tons of time in the library doing homework and writing papers.  and i will be packing my room and doing goodwill runs so that i can try to get an apartment sooner rather than later. 

AND emily's cat had her kittens.  two blacks and two tigers.  i cant wait to pick one out!  yayayay!


glorious days of spring!

today i went to campus in a dress and flip flops.  it was 42 degrees.  while walking down the stairs in the parking garage a women starts laughing at me and remarks how she is wearing a winter coat with a hat and gloves and im standing there in a dress, a cardigan, and flip flops.  I DO WHAT I WANT. and that includes egging spring on by wearing summer clothes. 

life is grand. so this update will be grand in scope.  get ready! GO!

first thing is first.  my boyfriend is awesome.  why, you may ask?  because he is.  there are so many reasons.  i will list them for you. 
1.  he is tall.  tall and skinny.  tall and skinny and endlessly hungry.  i wish i had his metabolism.  i wouldnt be huge if i did.
2.  he skates and surfs.  neither of which i can do, but both are things that i WISH i could do.
3.  he is musical.  he plays the bagpipes (amazingly well) and dabbles with the guitar and sings.  you have no idea how hard it is to find someone like that.  you also dont understand how i feel when he plays those pipes.  it captivates me.  entirely.
4.  he is domestic (he will hate me if he sees this).  i left his apartment today while he was elbow deep in dishes.  he even cooked me french toast the other day.  such a sweet guy.
5.  he is incredibly smart.  i think hes smarter than i think he is.  he comes from good stock.
6.  he is very easy to talk to.  he is the only guy that i have ever been able to talk to for hours on end without someone saying "you said that already".
7.  he is a cuddle monster like myself.  the only problem with this is that sometimes he is cuddling with the dog, and not me.
8.  he likes to take walks on the beach with me.  yay for romantical things!
9.  he is concerned about me.  yay for caring!
and the last one that i will put (i could go on and on) is
10.  he is a homebody like me.  we can be perfectly happy eating food and watching movies or the tv or playing video games.  i love that.  yay for being compatible!

on to other things:
i am hopefully (fingers crossed) getting an apartment here in the next few weeks.  my friend sarah and i are checking out a place tomorrow, and with any luck we will like it and be able to move in soon.  my only requirement is that it is not sketchy and that i can have a kitten if i do move there.  i already know about the kitten thing, its just the sketchy thing we have to address now.

school is winding to a close soon.  GRADUATION!  commencement is on MAY 14th for those of you who are coming out.  i am picking up some announcements on thursday and sending them out next week. 
along with graduation comes a lot of exciting things.  one of which is thinking matters, where i will be presenting on a panel of witchcraft students my research that i am doing and the paper that i have written.  this is both exciting and INCREDIBLY intimidating.  but it will look good for grad school applications in a few years.

i am doing another cleanse in a couple weeks.  whenever i move into the new apartment.  i need to start new.  and my eating habits are horrible right now.  i feel disgusting every time i eat.  blech.  so two weeks of cleanse, and then diving back into a vegetarian diet and putting a lot of raw food into it. 

alright, so the last thing for today:  things that i want to accomplish this summer

1.  get myself all the way down to my goal weight of 125.
2.  save up 2 grand
3.  go camping.  many times.
4.  finish all the books that ive bought and started and put down without finishing
5.  learn to either a) skate... preferably longboard  or b) surf
6.  make dresses and sew a lot more
7.  watch fireworks and listen to katy perry's firework while doing so.
8.  go blueberry picking.  WILD blueberry picking.
9.  successfully grow a bell pepper plant.  this is the only plant i have a hard time with.
10.  take walks in the heath, at clifford park, and the various trails around biddeford/saco
11.  kayak.  as much as i can.
12.  do a couple hikes
13.  paint more
14.  get the Lomo LC A+  camera that i have been wanting to get for so many years.
15.  be crafty with meag
16.  go to a couple concerts
17.  grow my hair out
18.  start my own recipe book
19.  take lots of walks on the beach
20.  visit ikea.  YES.

i will add to this list as ideas come to me.  of course.  and then i will accomplish maybe three of these things this summer.  at least that has been my track record.  then again.. i was working 120 hours a week for the past two summers.  that may have put a road block on the whole thing.  yay for not having to work all day and night this summer!