rawr.

so ive been really sick lately.  which makes life really hard.  today i feel a bit better, but its been a struggle. 

i am struggling.
with a lot of things.

my biggest problem right now though, is battling the urge to just break down and give up on everything.  on every aspect of my life.  on my job, on my school, on my social life, on church, on my dreams, on my hopes, on my fears... and just sit here.  ive been realizing lately that i am not a strong person.  at least, not as strong as i thought i was.  i would venture to say that i am pretty darn fragile.  and im too scared of rejection to stand up for myself against anything or anyone.  two things come to mind as i am writing this:

my favorite movie: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.  i love clementine... she is very open with Joel about everything... but so vulnerable still.  she comes off as this strong woman, but shes really just as effed up as anyone.  i just love that entire film.  i relate to it often.

the second thing that i am thinking of is a song by sara bareilles, called gravity.  its a beautiful ballad that i usually put into my "breakup with ben songs" category... but today a few lines of it fit perfectly into how ive been feeling about myself lately:

you loved me cause im fragile
when i thought that i was strong
but you touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone

its hard because i have been feeling so strong for so long.  but ive been alone for a long time, focusing on work and on school and nothing else.  once i get out there and make friends and try to be among the living i find that i am incredibly weak.  that i dont know how to find my strength.  that i dont know how to be with people.  and its hard.  its incredibly hard. 

and im realizing that i have so much of myself to work on.  i know who i want to be... i just have to start living that person.  so today i want to make a hard list of the person that i envision myself to be.  i want to refer to it often.  and i want others to be able to help push me along that path when i need it. 

the person i want to be:
*exceptionally nice and giving
*funny
*outgoing in all circumstances

what i envision myself doing:
*having my own health coaching business within the next year
*being physically active every day (mostly running and kayaking, once i get my kayak)
*getting back into a vegetarian (mostly) diet.  (i like to allow myself poultry every now and again)
*every summer i want to do some sort of service... whether it be traveling to a disaster site or making some hats for the local cancer kids.
*i want to be artsy again... singing, dancing, theatre, drawing, painting, sculpting.  all these things bring me joy.
*i want to travel.  everywhere and anywhere.  especially over in asia. 
*becoming a yoga instructor at some point
*be financially savvy again

looking at this i think my dad would call me a hippie... or a granola.  i guess that is who i am.  or at least... who i want to be.  i'm partially there.  i've been working on this list for a while... but i want to complete it in the next couple years.  i want to be there.  i want to know who i am, and that i am comfortable with who i am and the choices that i have made in my life.  i have some rebel qualities... i want a motorcycle... i want to be free from ties... i want to be irresponsible from time to time... but for the most part i like the person that i am, and i am excited to start working on the rest of who i want to become.  i haven't been able to because of school, but that is almost out of the way... and then its ME time.